07.19.21 thoughts

It’s funny how many of our most defining moments, we only recognize in hindsight. Of course there’s the standards - our wedding day, the birth of our children, etc, that we know will hold significance and help shape who we are.

But then there’s these other days.. where we don’t really expect anything important to take place until it hits us right in face. Truthfully, I’ve no idea if my Wedding Day is any more significant in my life story than the Thursday I took a call in my car at 9:30pm and heard, unexpectedly, that my marriage was effectively over. These events shape us as people; whether it be the heartache of a breakup, or the victory of a challenge conquered.

I have no idea if tomorrow is one of these significant days or not. Obviously a big part of me thinks it is. That’s why I’m sitting on my porch in the dark contemplating the future - you know, that thing I can’t possibly predict and have no control over.

Tomorrow I go into the studio for the first time in 2 years. I also go into the studio alone, for the first time in 31 years. So it feels heavy. Because truthfully, even though I’ve been writing, recording, and performing music for the last 16 years… I don’t actually know if I can do it.

Not alone, anyway.

What happens if I fail? What if I walk out of there tomorrow, with nothing good to show for it? What if it’s THE DAY, the definitive sign - the one that smacks me right in the face and says - hey idiot, you’re not actually any good at this. ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

How would I come back from that?

Maybe these questions aren’t worth asking. As I alluded to earlier, I’m terrible at predicting my own future (humans in general are, which I learned from an NPR science podcast I was featured on last year!). Yet I sit and breath on my front porch like Kobe in a 2003 Lakers locker room. Why? Why do I do that?

I think it’s because I care. A lot.

I meant what I said earlier. I really do not know if I can do this. But damnit I care. So I’m going to try.

You should try too; try to do what you care about. Because - as the Coldplay song I cried to when I was 17 says - “if you never try, you’ll never know.”

Talk soon, promise,

YAN YEZ