Coming Out.

Hello again, facebook. It’s been a long while. Over the past few years, I’ve dropped an annual blog/life update on this page. Nobody asked for them. But damn it, I delivered anyway. And I’d always kind of tease in them that someday I’d make a triumphant return to music. After all, why else would I keep this page for several years? Just to update you on my personal garbage?

Well.. maybe… Because I never did make that triumphant return. Not yet anyway. In a way, I’ve become more distant than ever. I didn’t even write one of these Annual Blog Updates last year. We’ll say it was “due to COVID” since that can be an excuse for literally anything these days. Starbucks told me they *didn’t have Soy Milk* due to COVID last fall and I just accepted that at face value. Like it was reasonable. So, surely, you can accept “No blog due to COVID”.

But here we are, hot and heavy, in the midst of the highly anticipated 2021. And I’m back, baby. With a blog update at least. There are two key reasons I’m posting this one. And I’m going to knock the first one out of the way.

YAN YEZ is officially releasing new music this year.

There are more details to come *very soon* on that. And some of the details, I’m still working out on my end. But if you still follow this page, saw this post (by an algorithm miracle), and care at all about the fact that I’m releasing new music – I appreciate you reading and I hope you’ll give it a good ol’ fashioned listen when that day comes.

Now, to be honest, the rest of this blog is going to be PERSONAL, with a capitol P (and a capitol all the other letters). So, if you only care about my music and not *me* you can retreat at will. My feelings won’t be hurt. But I also think that it’s a good preview of what’s to come. Because a huge reason I love to make art of any kind – whether it be music, film, or watercolors with my 6-year old – is because art is a form of expression; we use it to say the things that are otherwise hard to say. We use it to reveal, or advocate, or influence. Sometimes we use it just to be vulnerable.

I’m being vulnerable right now.

I said there were two main reasons I was writing this blog. The first, as revealed, was the announcement that new music was being created and released.

The second, is this: I’m gay. (FAST FORWARDED NARRATOR VOICE: If we really want to get specific, I believe sexuality is fluid for myself and perhaps millions of others, and I don’t know if gay is the best term to describe me – but for the purposes of getting the point across, we’ll go with it).

My absolute closest circle of people already know this. They know it’s the key factor in why I was divorced and why this band never relaunched as planned after Get Along ended. A very select few of them know elements of the burden – how hard it’s been to get right here, right now - and all the people it scarred and hurt along the way. This hasn’t been a short road. It’s been an almost 20-year journey. I have a lot of regrets. And I can’t possibly express the sorrow I feel for the people left hurt in the wake of this reality; much of it caused by choices I made. I’m not at the end this journey, either. Hell, posting this is going to be a source of extreme anxiety for me all week. I’m genuinely afraid.

Now, in the interest of transparency, you should know that I’ve planned to write and release this “blog” online for almost a year. There are like 8 (longer and more meticulous) versions of this blog stowed away on my hard drive. Because this was so hard to say in a perfect way. And eventually, after some careful consideration and a conversation with God, I decided to write this version.

You see, in every other one, I felt the need to explain myself. I had to put up my defenses. I had to try to overcome the two greatest shames of my life (being gay, and not being able to say it openly until I was 30) in under 2000 words. I also attempted to try and explain the paradox of it all. And the gradual built up trauma of the homophobia that has surrounded me my entire life. And how I was in love with someone of the opposite sex, even as a homosexual. But explaining all of that just wasn’t going to happen. Not in a perfect way, anyhow.

Instead, I’ve decided only to explain one thing on this subject, which is – why am I writing this to you?

I’ve mentioned to many of the aforementioned inner-circle folks that I planned to write this blog. Weirdly, all but a couple of these people were very discouraging about it. I got a lot of responses like, “Why would you do that?” and “You know you don’t have to tell everybody, right?” and, “Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks”.

I’m not positive why people wouldn’t want this down on (digital) paper. But, to paraphrase, the running theme was definitely “why are you doing this?”.

The answer is multifaceted. But there are two key reasons (I know, I know, another set up for *two* things. Learn how to format a blog, ya’ amateur):

1) I’ve felt like, for a long time, God has wanted me to do this. Most of my life has been spent walking in the Christian faith, and I try to use anything resembling the phrase “God told me” as little as possible when explaining myself or something I believe in. But so be it. That's kind of what I'm saying. I try my best to live in obedience to God and follow the example of Jesus Christ as I walk through my life. So that’s reason number 1.

2) I just want to move forward with my life. I’ve been under this lie, or secret, or whatever you want to call it, for practically as long as I can remember. And I spent most of the time running from it; denying it or trying to *heal* it. The “Closet” metaphor is tired; but here it comes, droopy eyes and all. Living in a proverbial closet for nearly two decades takes its toll. It’s all the things you’d expect – it’s lonely and full of shame. It’s dark and depressing. It makes you wonder if anyone who claims to love you, actually does. It makes you consider, time and again, hurting yourself or even taking your own life. It makes you wonder why; directing anger and confusion towards yourself or God or the universe. I wanted to know how this happened to me.

And for so long I’d wanted to escape this… *thing* about me. And there were so many good reasons:

-Because I was never told growing up, by anyone close to me, that I could be gay and my life would be just as valuable as if I were straight.

-Because nearly every person I was ever close with said something, at some point, derogatory or hateful about homosexual men.

-Because it meant I would go to hell. Or at the very least, that I was running from God; I was an “abomination” after all, and I needed to be reminded.

-Because it meant my whole life would fall apart – I would lose my family and my job and my community.

And a lot of that was valid. I did lose the closest person in my whole life. It broke my heart to the greatest degree it's ever been broken. I did have to leave my job of 8-years, because open homosexuals are not welcome to work there (it’s literally in the contract). I have had to accept a litany of homophobic remarks unknowingly made towards me by my closest friends and family and try my best to let them go. I certainly don’t feel comfortable within any church community; I hardly feel comfortable in any community at all.

It should also be noted that I have had some INCREDIBLE people around me on this walk. Some who have been there for the most significant parts of the journey. A select few pushed me to keep on living and even helped me believe that my life could be beautiful someday. I won’t give shout-outs right now, but hopefully you know who you are. And I probably could have gotten support from others if I wasn’t so afraid and timid. I’m sorry if I excluded you from all of this and you felt like we were close enough for me to have involved you. As the old breakup slogan goes - It really wasn’t you, it was me.

I’ve been so afraid, and so hidden, and so ashamed, for so long.

But I’m not going to be anymore. I’m just going to be me. ALL of me. And, like this blog, it’s not going to be perfect. But I’m going to do my best to be a loving, grateful, honest, authentic, human being going forward. I’m going to do my best to walk in relationship with Jesus. And I’m going to do all of it as an openly gay man. Because that’s the only way for ME to do all of those things.

So, to recap, in case you missed anything, my new music and I are coming out.

Thank you for reading. Honestly, I didn’t write this for you. I wrote it for me. It's a selfish blog. They can't all be winners. But from here on out, my hope is to better the world and the community around me. I want my life to produce good fruit. And this was a necessary step in that direction.

Talk soon. Promise.

From the belly of a whale,

Nicholas