Dear John, to My Dear Raiders

January 12th, 2003 isn’t a day I’ll pretend to remember well. I was 12-years old, after all, just beginning the second semester of my first year of middle school. I was a skinny class-clown type with an almost unhealthy obsession with Professional Wrestling. The WWE (as it had recently become known) was weekly viewing for me from around the ages of 10-14. I even had my own backyard wrestling federation when I was young and sold some VHS’s of our matches over the internet. Though I do find myself, as an adult, a little concerned about who was buying those tapes…

Nevertheless. As the John Cena era began and wrestling lost a lot of its ‘Attitude Era’ edginess, my viewing began to wane. Naturally, other interests had taken a hold of my time – most notably playing drums and starting a band with my friends. That’s one that would radically alter the course of my life. Still, I kept up with the Sports/Entertainment product regularly into my teens, until the Chris Benoit Murder-Suicide incident in 2007 (if you don’t know, don’t google it). This acted as a traumatic event in my teen years. It kept me away from wrestling until I started moderately viewing again around 2012. And I’ve enjoyed the product as more of a casual fan ever since. Quick shout-out to AEW, who has me more invested in Wrestling over the past couple of years than at any point since childhood.

It was good for me to take that break away from wrestling. At many points in my childhood, it meant too much to me. The results of a wrestling match would move me emotionally to an irrational degree. And there’s a certain barrier you can cross when it comes to sports/entertainment/arts where you invest too much of your soul into something. It can become an unhealthy agent in your life. The tragedy of Chris Benoit slapped me in the face with that, when it came to WWE.

But back to January 12th, 2003. Little did little-me know, that was the day I plunged full-force into my next obsession. My addiction. The one that would take hold of me until, well… today.

That fateful winter day, I watched the (at the time) Oakland Raiders beat the New York Jets in the AFC Divisional Playoffs 30-10. I had already loved the Raiders for years. I was devastated when I’d watched the criminal ‘Tuck Rule’ Divisional Playoff Round loss to the New England Patriots the year before – the same game that launched the 20-year Patriots’ dynasty and saw Tom Brady win his first ever playoff game. But this year was different. Even though we’d lost our firecracker young head coach (Jon Gruden) to another ball club, we still had MVP Rich Gannon with 2 Hall of Fame Wideouts (Tim Brown and Jerry Rice) leading the way. We were the deadliest offense in the league. And this young Colorado middle schooler LOVED obnoxiously cheering on a winning football team in hated rival territory.

As it turned out, we would go the Super Bowl that year (and lose quite convincingly to our aforementioned former firecracker head coach). The loss was disappointing. But it was also unlucky to run into our former head coach in the Super Bowl. Plus, there was a whole mother-flipping incident with our All-Pro center, who inexplicably didn’t take his meds leading to a manic episode one day before the big game. He fled to Mexico to party in celebration, under the impression that the Raiders had already won the Super Bowl. Subsequently, he missed the real Super Bowl, which discombobulated our already-disadvantaged offense, and directly correlated to our loss. But I digress. I was sure we still had a good Super Bowl window. And I would be there for it. I was in.

In the 2003 Regular season to follow, I committed to watch every single snap, of every single Raiders’ game. Much to my shock and dismay - The Raiders got off to a poor 2-4 start before QB Rich Gannon got injured. The Raiders finished with the worst record in the NFL at 4-12. But again, it seemed like an anomaly. I wanted to be there when we righted the ship; there was always next year. And next year would be different! Oh, a tale as old as time, for sports fans.

The rest, as they say, is history. After the 2002 Super Bowl season, The Raiders would go on to have a losing record the next 13 consecutive years. It’s statistically one of the worst stretches in modern professional sports, not to mention NFL, history.

And I watched it all.

I was there for literally every single snap of JaMarcus Russell’s career. He’s arguably the biggest NFL Draft Bust in league history. I watched as we set the NFL record for penalties (163!) in 2011 and blew a 2-game lead in the division to the (insert expletive) Tim Tebow-led Denver Broncos.

I was there when we finally ended our streak of futility; when we were on pace to be the #1 seed in the AFC at 12-3 and appeared to have the next MVP and young Franchise QB in Derek Carr. Then he broke his ankle 1 game before our first playoff appearance in 13 years. We were throttled by the Texans in that playoff game as rookie 3rd string QB Connor Cook got his first NFL start (face-palm).

I was there last season when our Head Coach unceremoniously resigned 5-games into our best start since 2002 for leaked racist/homophobic/sexist emails. And I watched the fall-out a few weeks later when our emerging star WR Henry Ruggs III killed an innocent woman in a wildly reckless DUI accident. I was there when despite all of that, we won 4 straight to end the season and get into the playoffs, capped off by a dramatic last-second overtime victory in the greatest Regular Season finale in league history.

Then, this offseason we traded for and signed the best receiver in the league and hired a modern offensive-minded Head Coach to finally make us real contenders again. After 20 years, we were back. And all the time I’d invested would have a super rewarding emotional payoff.

But as I have been the whole time - I was there yesterday. That’s when the Raiders lost their 3rd game this season in which they’d led by 17 or more points. I’m not sure if they’re the only team in NFL history to do that (especially in a 7-game stretch). But I would be willing to bet they are. The Raiders are 2-6. For all intents and purposes, their season is over.

And I can’t be there anymore.

19 years, 9 months, and 26 days. That’s how long I’ve been watching the Raiders without missing a single snap. For context, I’m 32 years, 5 months, and 6 days old. That’s 61% of my life. In that stretch, since January 12th, 2003, the Raiders have won 1 Playoff Game. It was seven days later, on January 19th, 2003 (SIDE NOTE: the same day Brock Lesnar won his first WWE Royal Rumble!).

There’s too much baggage for me to keep this up. I give and they take, and it hurts. And then I give some more. It’s an abusive one-sided relationship. And worst of all, it’s one I’ve entirely created for myself. Because the reality is that the Raiders have no relationship with me. They don’t know me. They don’t care for me. They no longer produce anything good in my life.

And that’s why I have to leave.

I had always prided myself on aspects of this fandom. It showed I was immensely loyal (true). It showed I had discipline and drive (also true – it’s not easy to find yourself 3 hours every Sunday for 20 years). But I conveniently ignored the ugly realities of it. Because while I’ve never had more traditional addictive tendencies - I’ve never abused drugs or alcohol to any concerning degree – I had become an addict, in this.

I try not to think about how much time, money, and opportunity I’ve lost by investing myself in this team. Because the reality would be hard to swallow. It’s not just the time spent watching the games. It’s reading articles about it year-round. It’s watching every press conference after every game and most practices. It’s paying for merch. Placing wagers. Buying tickets. Watching the games of the division rivals. Posting on reddit about it all. Texting my friends about it.

The list goes on and on.

And sure, we can have hobbies that aren’t necessarily productive in our lives. That’s okay. But we certainly should be able to call a spade a spade and recognize when our interests do more harm than good to us. My interest in the Raiders (and football at large) crossed that threshold years ago. What else could I have accomplished with all that time and money spent? Maybe I would be a better or more successful artist, had I poured the time into those areas of my life instead. Additionally, I haven’t really enjoyed watching the Raiders in a very long time. I just kept going, under the assumption that it would inevitably turn around and feel amazing when it did. But at this point, I’ve fallen into a pattern of annual disappointment and false hope. And it’s bled into other significant areas of my life.

Let’s get frank. At 32-years old I’ve done very little of what I’ve set out to do in my life. My music has never done a damn thing. My marriage failed. I waited until 30 to be able to publicly come out of the closet and start living free of that burden. Amongst my peers, I am objectively one of the least successful people I know, economically. Largely because I chase a career path (in music and film) that has almost 0 financial return for 98% of participants. But nonetheless, I’m an unsuccessful person. That’s an unfortunate-fucking-fact. All of this despite another fact - that I have, objectively, a high level of intelligence and a healthy body. These two facts being true at the same time is hard to reconcile.

Kind of like how the 2022 Raiders have an objectively great roster and a 2-6 record to show for it.

And there it is. I’ve always felt strangely tied to this teams’ fortunes. I don’t know why or how it happened. I don’t know what I believe exactly about energetic or spiritual connections, or about the unknown laws of the universe. But I believe there are things we don’t fully understand on those fronts. And I think it’s possible somewhere along the way that my addiction energetically tied me to this team. In some Christian circles, there’s something known as a soul-tie. Again, I don’t buy into the concept totally. What I do know, is that whatever a soul-tie is supposed to be - to those who do believe in it - is exactly what’s going on between me and the Raiders.

It’s like I knew it had happened somewhere along the way. So, I hoped for them to turn it around as a sign that my fortunes would turn too. I found myself in a place of life where I would have to overcome great adversity to ever make it in this world. I would have to prove the naysayers wrong and defeat almost impossible odds to achieve my dreams. I recognized the Raiders would have to do that too. And I just kept expecting and hoping it would happen every year – for both of us. But it never did. The Raiders are a failed franchise over the last two decades. And I am a failed man in that same stretch.

One of the things you should do as you enter your 30’s, is recognize the toxic things you’ve woven into your life and find a way to weed them out. That’s the best path to bettering yourself.

This can be in relationships, physical health, etc. When I was 27, I recognized I was overweight and generally unhealthy. I had to stop drinking Mountain Dew every day and start jogging to get healthier; I lost 80 lbs and have kept up my nutrition and exercise (and kept off my weight) for over 4 years now. It was a necessary change I had to make; a prudent challenge to overcome. And now I’m ready to take on a different kind of challenge. One just as, if not more, necessary.

I’m letting go of the hold the Raiders have on my life. I’m not going to watch next weeks’ game, or the one after. I’m not going to read the injury reports or watch Skip Bayless or Colin Cowherd or Rich Eisen lament their disappointing season. And despite what I’d always thought, this doesn’t make me a “fake fan” or “unloyal” or “weak”. It makes me pretty damn strong. Because, as ridiculous as it may sound to many, this isn’t an easy thing for me to do. Unhealthy patterns are really fucking hard to break in our lives. But I’m trying my best to recognizing this one and break it.

I will probably always love the Raiders in my heart, certainly for the foreseeable future. And I hope they win. And I’ll even catch a game here or there (certainly next time they make the playoffs). But my fandom must evolve into a healthier one for my own sake. It wasn’t all a bad thing. For the good friends and memories I’ve made in this season of intense fandom, I will always be thankful. Raider Nation is a beautifully diverse and accepting community of people. I also have an insane amount of football knowledge, useful for connecting with strangers. It’s my go-to party trick when I find myself needing to communicate with straight men at a bar, church, or one of my kid’s friend’s birthday parties. And it pretty much works every time.

I hope by reading this, it resonates with someone. I mean, I doubt it’ll be relatable in a direct way to anyone. There’s not very many Raiders’ fans out there like me. Especially amongst gay men (I low-key consider myself the greatest gay Raiders’ fan of all time). But we all have things in our life that we need to let go of for self-preservation and improvement. Perhaps it will inspire YOU, dear reader, to examine your life closer and consider letting go of your own unhealthy emotional bonds to someone/something. Regardless, if you have read this far, I appreciate it. Writing TMI-blogs is how I’ve been able to process some of the greatest obstacles in my life. So, thank you for being my proverbial shoulder to cry on all of these years.

Go Raiders (wink),

- YAN YEZ